I have often wondered what kind of person knowingly goes to bed with someone who is married. Is it a power trip to seduce a taken man (or woman), or is it simply about the thrill of no-strings sex (though there are always strings attached)?
A good friend’s wife announced that she was in love with someone she’d been having an affair with at work. She made the decision for them both to end their 15-year marriage, move out of the home they shared with their children and start a new life with her lover. My friend was angry and had every right to be. Although he had never personally met the lover, he despised this individual for ripping their family apart and referred to them as “Shrek” – a slur against their perceived nastiness, yes, but also their selfish, ogre-like behavior.
According to mythology, an ogre is a hideous, clumsy creature that takes what it wants without regard and, horrifically, feeds on the flesh of its victims. So really, my friend wasn’t all that far off base. In both of our cases, ogres deliberately pursued and pounced on our spouses in the workplace, despite their being in a marital fortress clearly surrounded by a moat of family photos and clad in gold-banded armor signifying ineligibility.
Come on. It isn’t like they didn’t know our spouses were married with kids. They knew and didn’t care.
Unbeknownst to each other, my friend and I had separately contacted our homewrecking ogres once we discovered their existence, emailing them photos of our sweet children’s faces in an attempt to shame them into realizing that this affair wasn’t a game. There were real consequences to their actions, with real families with real hearts as collateral damage.
The only responses we got back? Silence. Shrugs.
Going forward, we directed a lot of our bitterness and resentment toward our respective ogres. We villainized them for intruding on our fairy tale existences and callously stomping all over our happily ever afters. Worse, when an ogre plays the innocent victim, telling your 16-year old that “you can’t help who you fall in love with” (which might be true, but you are certainly in control of whether or not you act on it), it makes it very easy to detest them.
If you’ve been cheated on, you know how deep the trauma of betrayal goes. It gnaws at your sense of security and self-worth. You begin to suspect that ogres are lurking all around, because they are. I know that’s true because at least half a dozen of them (that I’m aware of) were able to penetrate and plague my marriage. Naturally, it erodes your trust in people, more specifically, women without boundaries or acceptance of the moral girl code that says to leave other women’s husbands alone.
It took some time, but I eventually realized that it’s easier to make the affair partners out to be monsters because we don’t know them. On the other hand, we know our spouses better than anyone; we love them and we trust them. We share a history, children and a life together. We know that they would never cheat or lie to us so surely, they were coerced by some evil entity into leaving their senses and breaking their vows, right? Wrong.
Villainizing the other woman/man is merely a distraction from the truth. The person who broke their vows is truly the guilty party – they allowed the ogre into the marriage fortress. Ultimately, I came to the realization that for healing to take place, the focus should not be on the outsider. Instead, the rage and blame should be on the person who decided to ruin your marriage long before they took their pants off. It doesn’t matter if they were happy or unhappy, lonely or fulfilled, drunk or sober. When it comes to infidelity, the responsibility always lies with the person in the committed relationship.
No, it’s not easy questioning whether your marriage was a sham and if you’ve been clueless about who you’ve spent the past two decades of your life with. It certainly forced me to stop seeing my spouse as who I thought he was or wanted him to be and start looking at the ugly truth after he showed his true self.
Hey, don’t get me wrong, ogres still need to own up to the deplorable part they played in the affair; they are the desperate creatures willing to jump into bed with a married person. They made their choice; they are not a victim of the heart (or any other body part). Yes, I know that there is a school of thought that says berating the other woman is akin to “slut shaming” but I like what Chump Lady has to say about that that: “You shouldn’t ever be ashamed of your sexuality. You should be ashamed of treating people like shit.”
My anger toward the other woman has somewhat softened into empathy. I have met her on a few occasions and she is, in fact, quite unmonsterlike. She seems to be an intelligent, level-headed, and dare I say, good person. I have little reason to believe she intentionally set out to inflict pain on me and my children. Of course, that does not excuse what she did. But let’s face it, if she hadn’t been one of my ogres, another would have been right around the corner to snatch away my happiness.
I really don’t know what damage in her past would cause her to choose the destructive path that she did, but her selfish decision will always define her presence in my life. I feel bad for her in that way. I also feel bad that she is now married to a man she knows is unable to stay monogamous, but once again, that was her decision. While I do not wish her ill will, I do wish her luck.