Other People’s Husbands

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Image from “Barbie Wedding” by TheKristenGabs

“I finally married my own husband,” said thrice-wed Maya Angelou in 1975. “My mother has a theory that most people marry other people’s husbands. But I finally have my own.”

What did she mean by “other people’s husbands?” Are 50 percent of marriages doomed to fail before they even start? Are these unions meant to be nothing more than temporary arrangements because the person vowing “til death do us part” is merely borrowed until the real thing comes along?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized the idea of marrying “other people’s husbands” could either be an admonishment or a message of acceptance.

On one hand, it could mean that I should’ve recognized inconsistency or incompatibility before getting married (shame on me); that perhaps we rushed into things out of immaturity, foolish love and blind optimism. On the other, it could signal that I must let go of what was never rightfully mine to keep in the first place. Maybe it’s a little of both. Maybe…

Falling in love does not equal finding the right person. (Wow. That’s huge.)

I believe that regret is a waste of time. There’s no point spending valuable energy dwelling on what could’ve happened if I’d only zigged instead of zagged. I also believe that some people come into your life as blessings and others come into your life as lessons. If I reflect on my divorce with this in mind, it helps to put more distance between me and negative feelings of bitterness-slash-resentment.

And by accepting that my ex and I were never meant to last, it helps release the pain of saying goodbye to the dream of how I thought my life would play out. No, I am not getting what I thought was in store for me or even what I may have believed I deserved.

When I go one step further and put him into a nameless, faceless category of “other people’s husbands,” it doesn’t dismiss what he did, but it does take power away from my own victim narrative of “my husband/wife cheated on me” or “my husband/wife left me.” The truth is, if he never truly belonged to me, I must stop leaning on the crutch of having been robbed of something. And by removing the possessive, I can start working on not taking divorce personally. Girl, he just wasn’t meant for you.

Maya Angelou had her share of hurt. Before she married her third husband, she’d had two previous marriages that ended so badly she refused to publicly discuss her first two husbands in interviews. And yet, she knew that a broken heart made you into the person you were meant to be and that it was important to move forward with that heart wide open, trusting that life had something better in mind.

That was the attitude I chose to take when I started dating again after my divorce. It took some time, but eventually, it led me to finding my partner. The first time we met, there was a connection, a familiarity, a realization that our lives were meant to intersect. I can’t explain it other than to say my heart knew that this was the tender, generous, good-humored love I was always meant to have.

So you’re the one I’ve been looking for.

Early in our relationship, I found myself lamenting how unfair it was that we’d met in our 40s and not our 20s. He gently reminded me that had the opportunity presented itself, we wouldn’t have been ready for it. We would not have been able to recognize what we see and appreciate in one another now. We would’ve been the right people at the wrong time.

Instead, we needed to go through our own ups and downs and learn from our relationships with others to really understand ourselves and what we were looking for. The twists and turns of my past, including marrying someone else’s husband, has brought me exactly to the person and to the place where I was always meant to be.  I finally have my own.

In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours. 

In all the world, there is no love for you like mine.  

(Maya Angelou)

2 thoughts on “Other People’s Husbands

  1. You bring up an interesting thought. I have several friends and relatives who are divorced. In most cases there was an affair. However, when talking to the cheaters they all said the same thing, they realized after they married that it was to the wrong person. They also said that they never thought of divorce because the person they were married to was so nice and everyone thought so much of him or her. The affair brought to the surface that they had chosen the wrong person to begin with. They are ashamed of the affair but not of leaving the marriage. Each one has a different reason for marriage, One was pressured by her mother because the man had social standing, one because they had dated so long she felt she was obligated, another was because the marriage was in a couple of weeks and her parents said it was too late to back out. I could go on but each person really knew within months that they had made a mistake. I firmly believe that all the bride magazines, and the things on television, and the stories we are told as children give us some fairytale ideas about weddings without any idea that a marriage is to follow.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. You are so right that buying into the fairytale plays a part in marrying the wrong person for many people. For me personally, I didn’t have any immediate doubts, but thought the “growing pains” we experienced were just to be expected of marriage, thinking they were “normal” for all couples. Looking back now, I realize they were signs that we were not the right fit. I spent two decades trying to assure myself that with enough love and effort into our home and family, I could make things fit – becoming that “nice wife” you mentioned. I appreciate your feedback! Thanks again.

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